| Art |
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied ," I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I might not ever get another chance". Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dolllars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot over- heard the couple and said," Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars". Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said," By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, " Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out." "But 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
:D |
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| MPSpecter |
One day three guys are walking through a forest when these nights come and capture them. It turns out they were in a Cannibal's Kingdom. The cannibal king asked them what there names were and they said "Jeremy" "I'm Jesse" and the last one said "I'm Daniel," "Well" the cannibal king said " I'm in a really good mood today so I'll give you a choice you can die now or do something else for me." All three guys said the rather live so the took there chances and said they would do whatever he wanted. He told the to go back into the forest and "find ten of the same
friut and bring it back." Well they went on and did as they were told. Well jeremy comes back with ten apples. The king tells him to shove all ten apples in his but without making a facial expression. Jeremy gets two and starts crying so the king eats him. Soon after Jesse shows up with ten cherries. The king says the same thing and Jesse gets nine and starts to laugh so he got eaten. The Jesse and Jeremy meet in heaven and jeremy asks " you almost got to live why did you laugh?" Jesse says " I couldn't help it I saw Daniel coming back with PINEAPPLES." |
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| MPSpecter |
| Three hunters on safari were captured by cannibals and for trespassing on their land the chief gave them their choice of punishment, booga booga or death. The first one said well booga booga sounds pretty sinister but at least it's better than death, so he chooses booga booga. "Booga booga", cried the chief. All the men then proceed to pork him up the arse. The second man was horrified but he thought that being bung holed by the entire tribe was better than death, so he also choose booga booga."Booga booga" cried the chief,and the men then proceeded to cornhole him as well. The third man decided that death was preferable to a good bungholing so when asked he chose death. "Death " the chief cried," by booga booga!" |
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| MPSpecter |
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |
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| MPSpecter |
If Condom had sponsor
No.1 |
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| Tim |
"Finally, there's a single bumper sticker for both political parties.
This hot-selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper."
:roadtrip: |
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| Tim |
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality,
Whispering...............
Dave, you're a veterinarian. |
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| john802 |
| As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" He said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" |
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| Art |
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man ? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
:D |
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| Art |
Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard." "Excuse me?" said Santa.
"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.
Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?" Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give
anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for
Christmas."
Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. Theyapologized profusely, saying they didn't understand why he talked like that,and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck. "I know how to stop it," Santa said. "Don't get him anything for Christmas. Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of it."
The parents agreed.
Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, looking upset. "What's wrong, son?" asked his father. "What did Santa bring you?"Little Johnny answered, "He brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him!"
:2: |
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| Art |
Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "
:14: |
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| ramirami |
quote:
Originally posted by Art
Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)
:eek: :2: :2: :2: :2: :2: |
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| MPSpecter |
DEFINITION OF POLITICS
SON: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I
ask you a questions?”
DAD: “Sure Son, what’s the question?”
SON: “ What is politics?”
DAD: “Well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage
earner, so let’s call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the PEOPLE. We’ll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?”
SON: “I’m not really sure Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother’s crying; so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent’s room and found the Mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his Father in bed screwing the Maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheard by his Father and the maid, so the boy went back to bed and fell back to sleep.
- THE NEXT MORNING -
SON: “Dad, now I think I understand politics.”
DAD: “That’s great son, explain it to me in your own words.”
SON: “Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the
WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of ****!” |
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| MPSpecter |
Three Women sitting in a suana......
Three women, one high society class, one working class, and one hillbilly -- were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The high society pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others look over at her questioningly. "That's my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm"
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The working class woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she was finished, she explained, "That's my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of tiolet tissue paper hanging from her behind.
The other raised their eyebrow and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that.....I getting a fax.":eek: |
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| Drywood |
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. |
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| john802 |
Since we lost a couple of post because of the crash, I'm reposting these jokes:
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where you are going to find a lawyer?" |
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| john802 |
ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy a Computer
In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous Sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you
got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do
I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the
Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I
watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! |
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| john802 |
| A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either." |
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| john802 |
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you." |
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| john802 |
Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?. Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, Im not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama.
Lesson of the day..... Don't Lie to Your Mother! |
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| john802 |
| Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..." |
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| john802 |
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." |
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| ramirami |
quote:
Originally posted by john802
Since we lost a couple of post because of the crash, I'm reposting these jokes:
you are posting faster than I can read....
good job :D :D :D |
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| john802 |
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!" |
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| john802 |
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!" |
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| john802 |
Two old guys, Abe and Jay, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Jay and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Jay thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dont know. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Jay is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Jay... Jay..."
Jay responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Jay," whispers Abe's ghost.
Jay, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the good news first," says Jay.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Jay says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday". |
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| john802 |
Here is this guy who takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles everyday.
One morning, he looked into the mirror and admired his body. He noticed that he was tanned all over, except his thing and decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undress completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his thing sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach and one looked down and blurted out: There really is no justice in this world.
The other old lady said, What do you mean?
The first old lady said, Look at that, when I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.
And now, that I am 80 years old, the damn things are growing wild. |
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| john802 |
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "youre both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?" |
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| john802 |
One day Tom complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor." His friend replied, "Don't do that, there is a machine at the chemist's that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the machine will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10."
Tom figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $10. The machine started making some noises and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it could change medical science forever, he wondered if this machine could be fooled and decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
Tom went back to the pharmacy, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
"Your tap water is too hard - get a water softener. Your dog has worms - give him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine - put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better." |
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| Art |
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." |
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| Art |
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. |
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| john802 |
Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Barmen |
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| john802 |
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" |
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| Tim |
Dear Abby:
I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her that she was too young for me. I'm 54, and she was 36; eighteen years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.
Abby, I told her I felt people were staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me.
Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her, and I think she likes me. Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us.
Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying, and I know it is because of our age difference, which draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing, and I wonder if I should continue with the relationship.
Why do people have to be so rude....? It must be the age thing.
Sincerely,
Morris
PS: I have attached a picture of Laurie. |
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| john802 |
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Seven months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Italy, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without." |
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| Mainer |
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them;
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month". The couple agreed but after two and a half weeks
returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...
"Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our Church", stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head .......
"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore, either." |
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| john802 |
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing." |
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| Mainer |
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ,
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is pre- menstrual or menopausal, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his
temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected. |
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| john802 |
While the pope was visiting the USA in the mid 1980s, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the pope as his chauffeur." |
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| Mainer |
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat; fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bull dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bull dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldnt contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS and HAVE A GOOD DAY. |
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| Art |
Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "But this morning my sister was missing one.
Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy. |
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| john802 |
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
...O...o
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do? he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (Draws two circles)
...o...O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a$$hole before prison ... |
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| ramirami |
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Buick into a gas
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
who obviously knows nothing about golf and is completely unaware of
Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest
of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As
he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Holy Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Buick thinks of everything |
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| Art |
quote:
Originally posted by ramirami
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Holy Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Buick thinks of everything
:21: :21: |
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| Art |
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a
moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, ! but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." |
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| tracy |
Two genteel Southern ladies are sitting on the veranda, sipping lemonade... the first woman says "What do you think about my lovely house? It has five bedrooms, you know. Marble floors, whirlpool tubs in every bathroom, and professionally decorated by the finest decorators in Atlanta. My husband bought it for me when our first child was born."
The other woman answres, "Well, isn't that nice."
"And look at this beautiful diamond ring. The center stone alone is more than 4 carats. My husband bought it for me when our second child was born."
"Well, isn't that nice."
"And do you see that Lincoln Navigator in the driveway? It has all the bells and whistles. My husband bought it for me when our third child was born."
"Well, isn't that nice."
"So, what did your husband give you when your children were born?"
"Well, when the first one was born, he sent me to the finest charm school in Atlanta."
"Charm school? Whatever for?"
"That's where I learned to say 'well, isn't that nice' instead of 'who gives a rat's ass?'" |
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| ramirami |
quote:
Originally posted by tracy
"That's where I learned to say 'well, isn't that nice' instead of 'who gives a rat's ass?'"
:2: :2: :2: |
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| john802 |
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!" |
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| devin1955 |
Just got this one in my email and thought it was pretty funny, so this is my contribution to the thread.
Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Although he was entranced, Nick the Dragon Slayer knew the penalty for his desire would be death should he try and touch them.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this problem, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the real antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left, satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chambers, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told Horatio the Physician to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer....
The moral of the story......PAY YOUR BILLS! |
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| ramirami |
| great one :eek: :19: :19: :21: :21: |
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| Art |
There is a factory in America which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy
laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the
Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he needs to see this for himself so the two
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they are really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."
(wait for it........)
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." |
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| Mainer |
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mommy," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
His mother answered, "Not yet." |
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| piconut2 |
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch?
A: When the big hand is on the little hand! |
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| ramirami |
quote:
Originally posted by Mainer
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mommy," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
His mother answered, "Not yet."
:eek: :eek: |
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| john802 |
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" |
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| ramirami |
The Top 5 Pick-Up Lines Used by News Anchors
"How about giving me a little headline?"
"I'm horny as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
"I put the 'bed' in embed!"
"Tension has been building for days. For an on-the-scene report, I take you now live, down to my pants."
"Coming up in our next segment: my manly part!" |
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| Mainer |
To help us northerners understand our southerner piloteer friends:
Southern speak:
Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive ``to borrow.'' Usage: ``My brother bard my pickup truck.''
Jawjuh - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.''
Munts - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't heard from him in munts.''
Heavy Dew - phrase. A request for action. Usage: ``Kin I heavy dew me a favor?''
Haze - a contraction. Usage: ``Is Bubba smart?'' ``Nah, haze ignert.''
Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ``We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats.''
Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ``Great . . . another gummit shutdown!''
Farn - adjective. Not local. Usage: ``I couldn't unnerstand a wurd he sed . I think ease farn.
:2: :2: |
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| jay |
quote:
Originally posted by Mainer
To help us northerners understand our southerner piloteer friends:
Southern speak:
Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive ``to borrow.'' Usage: ``My brother bard my pickup truck.''
Jawjuh - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.''
Munts - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ``My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't heard from him in munts.''
Heavy Dew - phrase. A request for action. Usage: ``Kin I heavy dew me a favor?''
Haze - a contraction. Usage: ``Is Bubba smart?'' ``Nah, haze ignert.''
Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ``We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats.''
Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ``Great . . . another gummit shutdown!''
Farn - adjective. Not local. Usage: ``I couldn't unnerstand a wurd he sed . I think ease farn.
:2: :2:
Wishn y'all'ed give us 1 o dem translaters fer Nu Englishter speek. If'n it looked good, I mite even ride up in my cah to git a copy, ya hear!;) |
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| Tim |
| Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.:runaway: |
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| Mainer |
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk |
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| jay |
quote:
Originally posted by Mainer
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
...
They aren't?:confused:
:D |
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| N_Jay |
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Mainer
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
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quote:
Originally posted by jay
[B] They aren't?:confused:
Heck, NO!!!!
Everyone knows they are "Play Ball!" :4: :4: |
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| shellebelle |
quote:
Originally posted by N_Jay
TSA Song
:19: |
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| Tim |
quote:
Originally posted by N_Jay
TSA Song
:21:
So true............(this should also be on the Airbus A380 thread) :D |
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| Mainer |
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
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