| MPSpecter |
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES
SUBJECT: EARLY RETIREMENT
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent out future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the fiscal year via retirement will be placed in effect immediately. This program will be known as RAPED (Retire Aged Personnel Early Directive).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement take place. This phase of the operation will be known as SCREWED (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers Evaluation Directive).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This phase will be known as SHAFTED (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination of Employment Directive). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitles to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent of Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefits plans, any employee who has received HERPES and CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our **** (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of **** of employee receives. We have given our employees more **** that any other company out there. If any employee finds he/she does not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the **** you can handle. |
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